Currently Listening WOW Christmas By Various Artists see related

So dead week is officially over.  PHEW!  Dead week my ASS!  My goodness.  So busy.  And now for next week...that'll be interesting.  I'm pulling for a 4.0.  *crosses fingers*  Let's pray I can pull that off and haven't jinxed myself!  Good luck to everyone in the coming week!  I will most likely be living in the Starbucks drivethru.  Come join me!   Delish.

So, I've been reminiscing these past few days.  I miss alot of things/people.  I do.  I don't feel like I am having as good of a time and being with all of the people I love like I used to.  I don't know if we're all just maturing/changing and growing apart.  If we're all just too busy.  If ... hell, I don't know.  It just sucks.  Just plain sucks.  I've been thinking about summer after sophomore year to be specific.  So much fun.  Met so many amazing people and had alot more freedom and spare time compared to now.  I wish I could go back to that time.  I miss roadtrips and the tripod.  I know I always talk about how I'd like to go back in time and blah blah blah.  But, wouldn't we all, just a lil bit?  I know alot of us are in a hurry to grow up.  I for one am not.  Obviously...

Something that I really hate, and is pretty silly, must say, is that I hate that I don't really get any drunk dials/texts anymore.  I LOVED those.  Seriously.  So funny.  And made me feel special.  Awww...

I hate that I'm growing apart from people.  It's very sad.  And the worst part is I'm not sure if I should fight to try to keep them or just let them go about their ways.  Who's to say what would be better?

B-I-T-C-H   Frankly, I'm sick of being called one.  For reasons where I may have deserved it, to times when I flat out do NOT.  I'm absolutely sick of it.  Yes, I do stick up for myself now.  Yes, I will confront you.  Yes, to many things I never would have done a year ago, or even like 6 months.  I don't think anyone knows how much it truly affects me to be constantly referred to one, or to be told that they figured I would do something else (you know, bitchy) instead.  I am not that person whether people want to force me into that box now or not.  It hurts to be honest.  And no matter how many times I can talk to someone about it, they don't understand and it apparently doesn't change their thinking.  I don't care if bitch isn't something awful to you.  People aren't calling you a bitch all the time.  Maybe because you avoid confrontation like it's your job.  I guess I'm sick of being the one to bring issues to attention and then be ripped for them because others won't do it.  Even when I think I am being nice... no apparently not.  I am only being nice in a bitchy way.  Or doing something ridiculous.  Seriously?  Cool.  Shut it.  Even when I try to do something nice, something to help others out.... there is no such thing as a good deed when I do it.  No such thing as trying to help others out.  Absolutely not.  I'm being ridiculous.  I'm not that kind of person.  I'm not...i'm not!

I am done thinking about it.  Well, probably not.  I don't know if it's just because I'm so stressed or what but I've been thinking about it alot more recently.  Wondering, as always, if I am making the right decision.  But, I don't want to lose what I have now.  I am so close to some people (even if it may not sound like it) and don't want to lose that like some people have.  I don't want to become stuck out of comfort if that ever becomes an issue.  I'm scared.  There, I said it.  But, I wonder if it's that time where I should just suck it up.

I need a cuddle buddy.

I need to become more approachable.  I'm really a nice person (if you are nice to me and deserve it) even if I do look like a bitch.  Promise.  Come talk to me!

Why do I attract old guys?  It's slightly creepy, minus the slightly.  I did when I was 18, I do now when I'm 21.  Odd.  Maybe I have the makings of a good gold digger.  Hmmm...

I love flannel sheets and electric blankets.

New Year 2008 is coming up soon.  Crazy crazy crazy.  There is one thing I need to figure out though.  And it will NOT be a freshman....oy.  Haha.  Can't wait to see the strawberry drop!

Some people have destinies that they cannot outrun, no matter how hard they try, no matter how far they think they've gotten, no matter if they think they've got it beat.  I am one of these unfortunate people.  I should have known better.  Alas, I didn't and am now finding myself in this position.  One I never in a million years would picture myself in.  A very shitty shitty position indeed. 

I should have known better than to question the fairytale's existence.  It doesn't exist.  Plain and simple.  Once again I realized that tonight.

I'm "that" girl in SO many ways, it's ridiculously not funny.

I'm at home (my parents' house) for the next few days.  Hopefully it will have a good effect on me.  Balance me out.  Remind me of reality.  Act as an escape.

If we met in a dark alley, I'm comin at ya with a 2x4 with your name on it.  Run.

I'm just so stinkin tired.  No rest.  No relaxation.  The closest I've come to is the massage from Clif.  Thanks Clif.

Class.  Work.  Immediate family.  I must focus on those 3.  Class.  Work.  Immediate Family.  Select close friends.

I want my debit card.

I want sleep.  Hopefully I'll just pass out tonight so I can go into work semi awake tomorrow.

I'm embarrassed.  Why do I let myself get that way?  Is it just by accident or is there a secret subconcious tone that overrides everything including my better judgement?  I wish I could remember.

Sleep.

I swear if I wake up tonight I will scream.  Or go on a run.  Man I wish I could go on a run.

Currently Listening Coco By Colbie Caillat see related

So, yeah, it's been almost 2 months.  I think that's the longest I've gone between updates.  Weird.  But, I guess that kinda makes sense.  The summer has been weird for me.  It hasn't really even been a vacation or break.  I've been busier this summer than I have in a long time.  And, to think it's almost over.  That's crazy.  Then I get to experience a really busy semester.  Not only am I going to keep both my jobs, I'm also going to see about volunteering at the zoo.  I think it'd be fun. 

So I get to move into a new house on the 1st.  At the moment, I'm not sure how I feel about that.  I'm going to be really sad that I'm moving out of my parents house basically for good.  It's been a good summer living here and I don't want to leave.  I'm so lucky compared to some of my friends it's ridiculous.  My mom even commented on it a couple days ago.  How's it's been a good summer.  I guess I haven't been the best in past summers...  Whoops.  But, yeah, so I'm going to be moving from something pretty darn great into something I'm not sure how it's going to be.  I'm scared, actually.  With how some things have been going recently. 

So, I am officially an ice queen again.  That or I've completed my change into becoming A-sexual.  Hope not, that'd be weird.  But, I really don't know how.  Nothing really big has happened to bring about the transformation.  And, if anything, I should be the opposite because of some of my friends.  Not saying it's bad, just, interesting...  I love you guys.  No worries.  How do I get to be like you?  How do I get from "No thank you...move." to "Why, hello there..."?  I have no idea.  But, I think it's best I just let myself be for a while.  Maybe I'll thaw eventually.

When do the bars start to become fun?  I'm waiting impatiently.  I really haven't had fun since my birthday weekend.  Sad story.

So, I'm becoming a bitch.  Not gonna lie.  I don't even know how it's happening.  No longer am I passive lil nice Lauren.  I'll tell you "what's up" now.  I'll stand up for myself.  I'll go on the offensive even.  I mean, I am still nice most of the time.  Or at least civil.  But, if you are rude to me or do me wrong...BAM.  No more nice girl.  It's weird.  I mean, I'm glad I'm standing up for myself, but I'm scared of just how far I'm going to change and what it's going to cost me or get me.  Is this me maturing?  Cause this is one change I did not see coming.

I want my pictures please.  Oh, and I wasn't kidding.  We need to talk.  In person.

I am not excited to start rush stuff again.  Bleh.

I need something.  But I don't know what.  Why is it always so elusive?  I feel if I just get a hold of it everything will fall into place and I can finally be happy.  But how do I go about finding something when I have no idea where to start?  It sucks.  Seriously.  I mean, really, is it too much to ask to just be content?  To be happy?  I haven't been truly happy in so long.  It's not fair.  I'm so tired I can't even pretend anymore.

I'm feng shui-ing my room.  Maybe that'll help.  I'll take anything I can at this point.  Not gonna lie.  Even if I think it's kinda crazy.

Harry Potter #7 is out.  I had a blast at the release party.  It's sad it's over.  Good good times.  And, I'm really sad that one of my coworkers is moving.  I've worked with her for almost 6 years.  I wish her all the best of luck and happiness.  I know she'll kick ass at her new job though.  But, still, I'll really miss her.  I'm definitely going to have to go visit.  Lucky me.  She'll only be in Lawrence!   Unlike my other coworkers I miss.

I'm 21.  Legal in basically everything.  I'm no longer a child or even an adolescent.  I don't know how I feel about that honestly.

I want a vacation!!!!!!

Mmmmm.....s'mores.......

So, school is out, and has been for a couple weeks now.  Which is kind of a relief, but at the same time I miss classes, well, some of them anyways.  I did pretty well this semester, even though a couple of my grades I am not very happy with, especially with one that I missed an A by a few points.  I'm just extremely happy that one of my teachers raised my B to an A (that I missed by 1 point).  Thank you thank you thank you!!!  It seriously made my day/week. 

It's really sad to grow apart from some of your friends that you used to be so close to.  I know as everyone grows, people naturally grow apart.  Could be living arrangements, other friends, schedules, anything.  But, it is really sad.  And, even though I feel like people don't try to hard enough to keep those friendships together, I cannot say anything, because I know I am just as guilty as anyone else.  I could try harder and should try harder.  I will try harder.

I'm really glad my mom found my "new" running shoes.  New to me because I've never worn them (they were seriously still in the box), old because, you know, they're definitely from Decemeber....uh huh.  I'm cool.  But, whatever, at least I have them now so I have some good shoes to wear when I go running.  What?  Did Lauren "say" running?  Yes, yes I did.  At least attempting to.  Though I'm not planning on running any marathons anytime soon (if ever).  Not even the one is San Francisco this July.  Sorry Joey.  I'll cheer you guys on though!  I just hope I can stick with it.  But, I went running tonight, by myself.  That's a first.  I never go running by myself.  So, that's definitely a good sign.  I can't wait til I can run long distances and, maybe, *gasp* even run for fun!

I hope this summer doesn't kick my butt.  I'll be working 3 jobs for the next 3 weeks.  And after that 2 jobs.  They shouldn't be too hard, it's just the fact that I'll be working 6 days a week, and some of those days will prolly be 12 hour days...  excuse my while I say BLEH!  Still, I know I shouldn't complain.  Others do it, and have been doing it for a while.  And, even working 6 days a week, I prolly won't be working more than 40 hours.  So, why am I complaining?  No one knows.  At least I'll be making some good money.  PS - I officially got keyholder at Waldens!!!!!!!!!!  WOO HOO!!!  That'll be good, I hope.  It'll be weird though to be sure.  Man, I'm just movin up in the world.  Haha.

My birthday is in a few weeks.  That's just plain weird.  Surprise surprise, I'm excited but not.  I'm mostly excited for my party.  I'll hopefully get to celebrate with some of my closest friends, so that'll be awesome.  Hopefully I didn't just jinx myself.  And, hopefully, my closest friends (and brother) don't decide to get me too drunk.  Haha.

Hope summer if going well for everybody and continues to!

That's it.  I'm done.

With everything.

I don't want to deal with anything anymore. 

I've fucked up beyond repair and screwed up the rest of my life.  Yay me.

Seriously?  Again?  No.

I don't know what to do.

I want the last three years of my life back.